Tamzy0

Hi everyone,
Not sure why I'm posting here really as don't really have a question. I've heard writing things down helps so I thought posting my thoughts and feelings about the situation here might be good and helpful for me.

So I recently (3 weeks ago) split with my alcoholic boyfriend.
Well, we never really officially split up... but that was the last time we saw each other.

He drank again and ruined a special occasion for us, and I split with him when he was drinking so he obviously didn’t remember it. He was passed out for the next week, then the following week we spoke by text and he phoned me because he was about to try new counselling (proper 1-to-1 instead of meetings) and he said he knew he needed to sort himself out before I would see him and that he was determined to do it so we could have a happy future together. I was waiting until I saw him to split up with him properly but he wanted to get the first session of counselling over with first to update me and tell me what his counsellor thought.
Then the day he was supposed to go to the new counselling he got drunk and so didn’t turn up (and as usual said some pretty hurtful things to me.) He text me the next morning to say good morning and he loved me. I just replied with “no” (I had just been woken up by this text at 3am! Plus was upset and was still questioning if we should split or not - my head was all over the place. All I got back was “fine, don’t care”
Since then, a week ago, I haven’t heard anything from him. I wondered if he’d just been drunk and that was the reason he'd not bothered but my friend has spoken to him so I know he isn’t.

I’m just hurt. I know it’s the right decision to split up and I don’t want this relationship anymore, but the fact that I spent a year with him, 8 months of those trying to help him get back off the drink again, all those things he said to me about never wanting to lose me and now I walk away and he just doesn’t care at all? I feel like the last year has all been a lie and that I meant absolutely nothing to him.
He usually texts me to at least apologise after he’s been drinking but it just hurts that he’s just said nothing and has let me walk away, without us even saying that its over.

Like I say, I don’t want him back. Unfortunately I know deep down he will never give the drink up again so it just would never work. But it would be nice to know that he is hurting and missing me too and that I actually meant something to him and not just wasted a year of my life on someone who didn’t even care about me.

I’m now left wondering if all the hurtful things he said to me when he was drunk were true and that was the real him. Maybe he had been using me all this time.

I know I shouldn't care and should just move on but it's hard and all this is making me question if this was even real which is making it harder for me.
I know that he's not sitting there thinking about me, feeling bad about everything so I shouldn't either. I'm just finding it hard letting go.

It’s just strange how he was the one who was always causing trouble and the reason we split, I was the one who was always hurt in the relationship and now I’m the one who’s upset that we’ve split up whilst he doesn’t care. Surely it should be the other way around.
Is it selfish to want him to hurt like I am after all the hurt he's caused in the relationship and after all the effort I put in to help him when in the end he didn't even want to stop drinking? Why would he waste my time like this and throw it all back in my face?