SeriousKarma

I would have said that this was OT, but I truly believe that our recovery has to do with every aspect of our lives, so I'm putting it out there as a continuation of me trying to become a better me.

I've been working hard at bettering my communication skills with my 17year old daughter, specifically when it comes to arguments.

The arguments are stupid. Usually they start off with her being rude (to me, only to me), me calling her on it, and her getting angry at me calling her on it. Simple, and I think fairly common amongst mothers and daughters her age. At least I hope so.

What she does that drives me crazy is a clever legalistic slight of hand where she quickly tries to change the focus of the subject from me to her. A typical argument goes something like this:

Me: "Lil' Karmalita, I don't like the way you were just being rude to me."
Her: "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! But, YOU STARTED IT! You're NOT LISTENING TO ME." "WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" "WHAT DID I JUST SAY?' "SEE?" "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME?"

Clearly she doesn't think I'm listening to her.

The thing is she hadn't been saying anything. I was the one who brought the subject up of her being rude to me, because of something she had done. Usually a nasty, off-handed little comment. The whole idea of me not "listening" to her is smoke and mirrors. I'm the one who brought the subject up, I'm the one not being heard.

Anyway...

In the past I would have gotten all caught up trying to argue her bass-ackward logic, and then quickly descended to pointing out that my sensitive ears were quite incapable of hearing when spoken to in such a horrid pitch. I would then demonstrate with my own horrid pitch, to show her just how horrid pitches can be. This competition of horrid pitches would go on for a while. I'm sure the neighbors loved us.

Needless to say, no one ever won.

So I'm determined to change this dynamic, and I've had some success. Here's what I've been doing:

1) I start by swallowing my pride, and breathing slowly.

2) I'm very careful not to raise my voice. (Actually, my calmness kind of freaks her out, but that's her problem. She'll get over it.)

3) I stick to, and clearly state the topic. i.e. "I don't like it when you're rude to me." When she tries to get off topic, I calmly bring it back. If she tries to bring other things in I suggest she bring them up later. She most certainly has valid points, but now isn't the time for them.

4) I then let her choose whether or not the day's going to progress normally or go into the toilet. We're running about 25/75 here. There was one night when she decided to stake a claim on being upset and didn't speak to me until morning, but for the most part she doesn't want to be upset.

5) I allow it to end.

Number 5 has been much harder than it seems, and one that I struggle with. Although it's obviously good to let things go, I also sometimes want to bring them up again later in order to "teach her a thing or two". This is where all of the recovery talk jells with the parenting talk.

She's 17. She's virtually an adult. She's a good girl. She knows when she's being a little sh*t. I don't need to write it out in neon, or have it tattooed on her forehead. All the "teaching" on this matter has been taught. Now I need to practice what I preach, and she needs to choose whether or not she wants to practice it.

So that's what I'm trying to do. Speak clearly with intention. Protect my own dignity, while respecting hers. And not let every negative moment become a negative day.

Today.... it worked like a charm. Absolutely, 100%, nominate-us-for-mother-and-daughter-of-the-year, perfect!