SobRecNYC

Hi. I've never posted here before; in fact, I have never posted on any forum, so this is probably indicative of how confused and upset I am. In short, I began dating a guy a few years ago. He is a combat veteran with PTSD and who has suffered combat injuries and was prescribed anything you can imagine by the VA. At times, he would tell me he needed a few days alone to come off of Klonopin, but that was rare and I didn't realize what that meant until now. In any case, this past year and a half, I noticed he was not the person I once knew (in fact, the extreme opposite) -- emotionally unavailable, flighty, eager to leave when we were hanging out, etc. Of course, when I asked about it, he did the typical gaslighting thing, making me feel I was crazy. Eventually, he told me he was hooked on Oxycodone. I supported him through that...as is often the case, the cycle repeated itself and he lied again, confessed about a subsequent relapse and I stood by him. Almost a year later, we were about to begin couples counseling and, out of the blue, he told me he didn't want to go through with it because he wanted kids and I didn't and therefore there was no point. Based on our past conversations, this didn't add up to me and eventually, he told me he had never really been sober for a long period after each relapse and that he went from Oxycodone to IV heroin, using several bundles a day. This time, I told him he had to get into a real program and just be honest with me, even if he relapsed. So, he enrolled in an outpatient program through the VA. It's only been four months, but I am so confused and hurt. I understand that recovery can and should be "self-focused" early on and I have no problem with that. In fact, I have let go of this notion that he will ever truly apologize to me in a real way anytime soon, because I want him to get better first and foremost. What confounds me is that he is completely dismissive of me and seems to never want to be around me, despite saying he wants us to work it out and go to counseling. He is so emotionally unavailable and when I'm upset, he doesn't comfort me like he used to -- he just appears unaffected. He is on Suboxone and has tapered down to 1mg a day. Of note, the VA was going to end his Suboxone maintenance sooner, so he sought out a private doctor to he could extend it (is that a red flag?). I also found out (he wasn't forthcoming at first) that he convinced his doctor to prescribe Klonopin for him as well. He also started drinking and smoking pot -- I am not saying he does either of these excessively, but it concerns me because he did neither before...he had no interest in these drugs. He said the pot is to help him sleep so he doesn't need the Klonopin as much (suspect, I know). He also uses Flexeril at times. On a positive note, he looks healthy again and is training 30 hours a week (he's an athlete) and is back in school again so I don't think he has relapsed on heroin, but I am worried about the likelihood of such due to his behaviors. I have Googled these matters to the point of exhaustion and would love some feedback from those who have real experience with these things. I am especially clueless because I have had zero experience with drugs and alcohol, both directly and indirectly-- I've never even smoked weed or had a drink so learning about all of this stuff is overwhelming. Here are my main questions/concerns:

1) I know there are different schools of thought on recovery and complete abstinence. My concern is that only four months into it, he is admitting to using all of the above substances, which would mean he has never had a moment of true sobriety, which I would think that, no matter where you stand on complete abstinence, is important early on. Thoughts?

2) Would Suboxone maintenance treatment even at the low does he's now on have an effect on the emotional availability in someone?

3) He has also had some childhood trauma which, despite his years in therapy, he has never talked about. I gently nudged him to talk about it and suggested it was integral to the recovery process and he agreed. He claims that when he brought it up to his therapist, he was told that he shouldn't talk about things that are too heavy this early in recovery because he might be more prone to relapse. I always assumed that stuff should be talked about whenever one finally gets the courage to bring it up and certainly during recovery. Does what he claims make sense to anyone?

4) Why won't he just break up with me if he doesn't even want to spend time with me and hates that I disagree with him on how he is acting and the stuff he is using?

5) In short, is he acting like someone who is truly in recovery? If not, how do I approach him -- he always gets so defensive.

Thanks for listening.