That buzz. That ever so "hopeful buzz". It makes me feel sane, and capable of tackling life. As I fill my glass of ice and water with that potent vodka, I feel on top of the world. This, this feeling can only be good. A couple more drinks, and that convincing AV lets me know that right now life is even better than it was just-a-couple-of-drinks-ago. Uh, oh common sense slipped back into my mind for half of a slit of a second and reminded me about all the tasks that were supposed to be completed for the night.
With my new founded "hope", I will tackle the first task.. I am unstoppable. I will start off by cleaning the kitchen, and cook dinner - simple tasks. Than after all that I will tackle my homework, and do a load of laundry. I head to the kitchen, and start the meal while I clean, meanwhile stressing my liver further with "just a tad more vodka". More vodka can only make this feeling better right? I'm dizzy I can't quite clean while I'm cooking.. Multitasking doesn't feel possible. Suddenly time rushes forward - nothings been cleaned & the meal is burning. I can't think clearly, it must be because of my undiagnosed anxiety disorder... it's not the alcohol... I just need to learn how to cook better.
Turn off the stove, but I don't take the pot off the heat emitting burner. As the meal continues burning, I quickly grab the vodka bottle, I notice it's already half empty, but I don't have time to ponder drinking because the food is still burning. I don't have time to ponder, only time to drink a little bit more. I get to the pot that has the food cooking in it, a little taste... yuck this is terrible. Add sauce, add anything to save it! I failed.
My boyfriend asks what time dinner is ready, he can see my struggling. He asks me if I need a hand with things. I'm now emotional and burst "I CAN HANDLE THIS" - it's a simple task after all. The meal is burnt and my pride stops me from accepting I ruined dinner. I tell him that the food is done, and have to confess that it hasn't turned out how I expected (choosing my words carefully, almost as a sales person). He lets me know he's sure it taste fine, and grabs a bowl. He eats some and pretends to like it. My emotions are obvious, I can't compose my self, and he doesn't want to trigger a melt-down by being honest. He takes the bowl to a different room - he doesn't eat it.
I am sad I failed at my simple task, I drink more. Vodka will make this sad feeling go away. Then bam BLACKOUT.
I wake up the next morning, and it's 10am. I feel like death. F**K! my class started at 8:30am, and there was a quiz I missed. I convince myself the quiz is nothing to stress about, but it is so I land up stressed anyway. I will never drink AGAIN. No a single drop more.
As the day continues I don't feel well, suddenly I realize it been 24 hours since I cooked dinner the night before. My classes of the day were all skipped, my homework wasn't even glanced at, and I haven't done the laundry at all. My boyfriend comes home from working all day, he's tired... I must have kept him up all night, but I am embarrassed to ask him what had happened. If I ask I have to learn about what I said and did while I blacked out. I will have to take responsibility.
This makes me sad, and I still feel sick. I shouldn't want to drink again, but in all reality all I want is a drink in that single moment. My voice and my AV argue, but at this moment my AV is stronger than I, so I drink again. And the cycle of my alcoholism starts again.
Now I am tired, and shaky. I am on day 3.. again. I have gone back to AA. I am forced to feel all of the feeling I tied to suppress with vodka. AA helps, I like it there. It's the moments when AA isn't there that I struggle. My anxiety is rough right now. I feel in my heart that this time is the time I succeed at my sobriety, but learning how to live life seems beyond impossible.
