dancingnow

Well, last week I was on here ranting about the horrible relationship between RAH and me even after supposedly 2 1/2 years sobriety and how I don't know why I am still hoping for a change. So tonight RAH is acting a little weird when he comes up from watching TV in the basement, where he basically lives as I mentioned in my other post. I have seen him act this way before and ignored it and thought maybe a sugar imbalance as he is near diabetic.

Later on DS (13) comes with tears in his eyes and telling me he doesn't want to say this but he thinks RAH is drinking. I stay real calm so as not to upset DS as he already sees how bad our relationship is and he's seen my rage at the drinking in the past. I ask him how come he thinks that and he tells me RAH is acting strange and he found his stash. - Get this, he hollowed out the leg of a footrest and has water bottles stashed in it. I tell DS to not worry about it and go about his business. He asks me to not confront RAH and I agree.

I am writing this here because at this point all I can think of is the closed up, emotionless, nasty man I have been living with for the last two years. He's not in recovery and yes maybe he wasn't drinking for a fair amount of time and yes he holds down a decent job and puts food on the table and roof over our head and the abuse is emotional and not physical. He does relate to the kids as he is more of a kid himself than an adult. As I said in my last rant, I take care of everything for the most part.

What I am trying to wrap my head around is that I stayed for so long and accepted this situation because well at least he's not drinking. Yet, he lives in the basement, we have no relationship to speak of. Now we are going to counseling and what I think is he is doing is structuring our life so that he can come and go as he pleases and quietly add drinking back into the mix.

Why do accept a life like this. I feel like a babysitter, someone who just holds all the pieces together so the rest of the family is in survival mode. Our lives lack so much. I had so much more joy and peace when he was actively drinking and we were separated. That never came back in this last 2 years of him being here.

I hate this. I am shutting down emotionally because I am so overwhelmed with how I have accepted this. I need to work on my recovery. I haven't done so in such a long time. I have been concentrating on making other changes in my life and hope to have a teaching job next fall. One step at a time.

There is a lot of good in my life, although I think I've been manipulated to think I should be happy that "R"AH doesn't drink and we exist in the same house together and what else could I possible want from a relationship.

I know you all have been supportive and some have just told me straight out to see the writing on the wall. I guess I am just not there yet. I so hope I get to the other side of this, I think I will, just not right now.