Pach

So I thought, hmmm.... where can I go?

I had a doctor's appointment to follow up and get a refill of neurontin. Why?...well... even though the initial script is pretty full, I just felt at the time I made the appointment a while ago that I wanted that padding there just in case; just like the reason I requested it at my detox interval in December in the first place. The initial need for assurance was monumental to my psychological state of being able to pull abstinence off permanently and also emotionally. I knew that if my physical need was lidded up, then the psychological and emotional need would be silenced and could not follow the usual path. It worked. After my last post of February 2, I began to think that my luck was just too good to be true, hence the appointment. Ok, so now I have the script.

I drove around for somewhere to go before my second afternoon job. Haha, all the usual old haunts were there. I pulled over on the California coast, looking out at Catalina Island.
I had the initial meds in my handbag that I have not touched since early January, and I made a permanent pact with myself immediately.

"I will not need these things, places or routines ever. I will not repeat the old pattern in my free time, ever. It will never be a past-time, ever. I am free. That is old. I am new. Pach, we're FREE OF ALL OF IT!"

And, so, I drove to work, worked, drove straight home, popped in a dvd, poured some iced-tea, had a Jolly Rancher, and dressed comfy.

The movie was great.

I went to sleep.

.................................................. ....

Now it's Saturday.

I want to tell those of you who remember reading my post from the morning I checked myself into detox something important:

My doctor yesterday told me to remember what happened as a result of my alcohol cessation in December. "Yes, as you can see, it took 48 hours but it almost killed you."

Crap! He had not NOT NOT NOT told me that in December! I was already freaked, so that is likely why.

Remember my writing I thought I was a red chili.

Let me expand.

I was laying on my bed. In my mind, my feet were the bottom of the red chili and my shoulders and head, the wider top of the chili, full length or my height, about 5'5.5".

I was doing a wavy motion, and what I was told yesterday, was that I was having convulsions in my sleep. They woke me up. I didn't just "wake up" !

So then when I tried to walk to get some more water, I was having a seizure while awake... and couldn't control my legs.

He told me my brain was on freeze mode, basically, and people sometimes die in this state after alcohol cessation if not in hospital.

He implored me to never go near it again, nor cook with it.

I had written I was getting a cab to the ER.

Well, I didn't. I waited a while and then I drove myself. god. I did. I got into my car and drove, feeling "fine", and checked myself in.

Please, if you know anyone who is stopping drinking, show them this. I will re-post on another page, but if you see this first, re-post please. It was terrifying what happened to me and I was all alone. I might have died and I had no idea what was happening to me. I didn't know what to expect, just that I wanted to stop and that was that. Dying would have stopped it too, but that was not the goal! Stubbornness has no place in recovery.

After checking myself in, there was so much love over there and I didn't feel like an arse for allowing myself to get out of control, nor for having checked myself in. I was a patient who needed help, nothing else. I got the help, smiles, RESPECT and UNDERSTANDING I needed, LOL I should have gone there before drinking in the first place!!! HAHA IRONY!!!


So, Happy Valentine's Day, sending massive loving advice for your livelihood, should you be stopping now. Just check yourself in and chill through the detox rather than not only putting your life on the line, but not going through the mind-bending freaky physicalities that are part and parcel for the course.

Checking yourself in is part of taking care of yourself. Don't be a dead martyr going the DIY route when you do have options. This isn't 1890.


Love and Light to Everyone,

Pach..................


I tossed the prescription.