dancingnow

I stayed in my marriage. Wanted him back after 2 years of separation and he got sober. 2 1/2 years of sobriety later, I am still wondering why I didn't move on. Things never got better after he became sober. In fact, he became more nasty. Our relationship is just the institution of a marriage, there's no feeling, no love, no sharing, just going through the day-to-day motions.

A year ago I started to really focus on myself and have been doing a lot of new things. Diligently working on a career transition that will be in place in another few months. I figured our relationship was in the trash I would just focus on myself and maybe RAH would get better dealing with his sobriety.

It seems I can't really just focus on myself and be with my RAH and not have a meaningful relationship. So periodically I would try to have meaningful interaction and it would just end in arguments between us or disappointed feelings for me.

We tried marriage counseling early on but still alcohol issues and early recovery so stopped that. Each went to counseling on our own. Helped me to feel better but no change with us relating. So finally I say I cannot live like this. One last try for marriage counseling otherwise I need out.

So we start back up with marriage counseling. Only been two sessions in last month and already I feel the stress. My jaw is so tight, my anxiety is sky high. I feel manipulated and invalidated and just taken for granted. I can't understand why it always seems I have to be the one to over and over express being grateful that RAH is not drinking but when it comes to me there's no recognition, no acceptance, no appreciation for how I did what I thought was the best for our family - separating from RAH when he was actively drinking, trying to bring him back into the family when he was sober, waiting patiently through early recovery. Not only is there no recognition or appreciation for this, I still get beat on the head by him (figuratively) and blamed for taking his family away from him.

How can I ever expect to have a relationship with a man who spends all his time at work or watching sports, tells me he is not attracted to me, expects me to maintain status quo of cooking his meals and tending to everything to make the household run, including kids activities, paying bills, planning any social or enjoyable activities - if not there are none or I just plan for myself, keeping schedules for everybody all without any meaningful conversation occurring between the two of us or feigned interest or anger when I try to discuss anything with him, no affection at all and him living in the basement.

What I am getting out of this relationship. It seems it is absolutely nothing accept not having to deal with getting a divorce because I have so many other things to deal with right now. I can't seem to even give marriage counseling a try as I am having a terrible reaction to just the couple of sessions we went to. Can it be it gets worse before it gets better or am I in denial of the truth.

Oh this is a big rant I just had to get out. Thanks for listening if anyone kept reading. I haven't been on in a while, at least not posting. I still look at other's posts once in a while and glad to see some of you are moving forward and taking care of yourself. So sorry for those just coming on the board wondering about staying with active A. It only gets worse and even with sobriety, recovery is a long road and not clear if actually occurs for both parties and repair of relationship damage takes even longer and maybe doesn't happen either.

Ok I must stop ranting now. Would love to hear from anyone about relationship repair or loving your RAH and being in a loving relationship with RAH again. Thanks.