Hi, i am new to this site and hoping to find someone who understands what i am going through. I am engaged to a cocaine addict, its not every day he uses - it seems to flare up sporadically. When he is sober as such he is amazing, i couldn't want anything more, i cant love anyone more than i do when he is sober. However, since we got engaged a few months ago, he went into a downward spiral and has been using on a weekly basis, he is full of resentment, self pity and blame - its my fault, i like to see him suffer if i dont give him some of my pain medication to help him self after a come down. He blames me, he blames our business, anything but himself and the truth. No one knows this about him, except from me. I feel SO alone, i have never felt so lonely. It is beginning to affect my mood greatly. I am beginning to resent him and our relationship, i am turning into something i am not - an angry, bitter, self hating person. He wants to argue and make me feel so belittled the day after his using - says things he knows hurts me deeply.
I am going through so much medical problems just now and am in excruciating pain on a daily basis, i cannot work as a nurse because i cannot walk any length of distance, i cannot get out, i cannot sleep and i am often sick with the pain. At my time of need, when i most need him to be there for me and tell me things are going to be ok, help me with the daily tasks i find impossible - he is in our bedroom wired to the moon - paranoid, unable to talk and becoming this person i do not even know.
I truly love him so much, and i have tried my best to help and support him in every way i can over the last 2 years. Yet he tells me i am unsupportive and spiteful. I dont know what to do anymore?! I'm afraid to stay and let myself become more depressed and self loathing but i am also afraid to go and be constantly wondering if he is still alive - as he has told me before if i go he has nothing to live for. I do want to marry the man i met 2 years ago and fell madly in love with, but i hate the person he becomes when he is using.
PLEASE tell me there is someone out there who understands? I have no one to talk to and no one to get advice or help from.
God i didnt think i would know what to write - and heres me wrote a book!!