Agh
I'm really not doing too well tonight, for some reason I'm just incredibly restless and agitated and sort of mad at everything for no reason
It's almost midnight here and I have no alcohol/no where close to get any, but if there were some in my house I'm 90% sure I'd drink it. 15 days sober and this is the worst it's been so far, first time I thought I actually really would drink if I could.
I'm also feeling really destructive and impulsive, like I'd love to go to a bar and cause some (self) damage, make some dodgy new friends, do something stupid.
It's not something I feel too often any more, even in the last year of drinking I barely went out I just drank at home/went to uni and work, but when I do feel like this yikes I can be self destructive. I really hate that about myself.
Maybe it's because tomorrow I'm meant to be seeing the man I've been in a ridiculous and unhealthy relationship with for a few years (every cliche in the book that one, I'm too embarrassed by how stupid I seem when discussing him that I can't even verbalise the situation, even in the AA meetings where I'm pretty comfortable and very direct and honest even about the most humiliating things)
Anyway il be ok, I can't drink tonight and I'm hoping after I wake up, walk my dog and go to my midday meeting tomorrow that I'll feel better, but needed to get this out I guess or just cant sleep/keep obsessing. Thanks for listening