i feel the same way basically about mine....and i do the same thing. maybe not as frequently as you anymore, but i still do. and i think i have done it after almost every break up in my life for quite awhile.
ive been wondering what i would do if he ever miraculously (not sure how thats spelled!) got into a program or even tried to quit. because i wonder if he was sober if he would stil be the same person with some of the same traits i find i cant handle. like would he still be an aggressive driver, complainer,etc.........well, im pretty sure i would be ecstatic that he was finally realizing what he is doing to himself, but i think i wouldnt even attempt a reconciliation until he was sober for at least six months, possibly longer......well anyway, dont want to go too far off subject. i think it is normal to have these good and bad times dealing with it. and it is really hard to stay strong and not want to go back when you are feeling lonely. some days i am sooooooooo happy i am single again, and think i want to stay single, and then others well........forget it!!! keep doing what you are doing, spending time with your child, friends, family etc....doing things for yourself and coming to the boards. hopefully all of us going thru the transition will stay strong about it, and not go back for the wrong reasons.