Hello Moms....
It's been awhile since I checked in. I hope everyone is okay. It's quiet here.
Dolly, I think as we get sober, a lot of the relationships around us change. They changed when we were drinking, it's just we weren't as checked in as we should have been to notice and perhaps it happens so slowly over time, those who love us don't see it either? I would definitely recommend therapy, for you or both. Therapists, the good ones, provide such a great resource and helpful sounding board to get out of your own head. I still see mine on a maintenance basis but I know I could go back to seeing her weekly if things get overwhelming and I give myself room to do that.
Today is ONE YEAR SOBER for me. It actually snuck up on me. I knew it was sometime this week but my 'sober tracker' let me know this morning. 'You've been sober for 1 year today.' Wow. I feel numb in a way. Everyday, I know I won't drink and that's it. Now when I go out, I really don't think about it. I get my non-alcoholic beer and I'm just fine. There are still those thoughts that haunt me in the middle of the night, 'what if I'd been pulled over?!' 'I was so drunk at that party, I can't believe I said that!!' 'People must have known how sloppy I was!' 'I'm one glass of wine from making a total fool of myself.' That's how close I think it is to me, one glass of wine to it all going back to how it was but the weirdest thing is, I still don't want to say I'm done drinking forever. That just doesn't work for me. I know I won't drink. I know how bad drinking can effect my life. I don't feel like I'm missing anything anymore. But do I want to say I'll never drink again? Nope. That might be twisted but that's what has to happen in my brain to make this all jive.
The anxieties still come in waves, the anxieties that I used to numb with booze. Now, I say, out loud to those around me, no matter who it is, 'this whole thing is making me anxious.' 'I'm feeling overwhelmed by all this anticipation.' 'I think I'm going to get swallowed up by all this, I need a minute.'
We're still trying to get pregnant and we'll see what happens then. Pregnancy was the darkest time in my life, the last go round and those are the emotions, the changes I fear the most. How messed up is that? I worry about how I'll handle myself mostly when I'm pregnant, if I get pregnant.
Well, today is a happy day. I'm going to let myself be proud of me and this accomplishment. There is a point when the days start to add up, like a snowball.
Thank you to all of you. I truly love each and every one of you. It's amazing how much I have grown to count and rely on each of you.
XOXO
Babs