"we're not on the same side anymore. She's flirted with Al-Anon but is dancing around the outside of it - no sponsor, no step work. She's very strong-willed and she has a temper and will rage, which always scares me silly. She is totally stressed out at work but won't change anything about her situation because she's got herself convinced that she "has to" do this job in order to support us. But she resents me not working full-time (I went back to school to get a credential while working part-time and hope to be working full-time in the fall)."
Goodness....that is me in your post except for the part about al-anon...I am a very grateful member of al-anon and attend weekly meetings.
The long and short of it is, my AH is 7 months sober. We have been married for nearly 4 years and together for nearly 6. I am the same as your wife...I control control control, am independent and very strong-willed, oh and I am rarely wrong and I never apologized....these are the traits I see in myself that are so painful and difficult to change. I had to hit bottom, (different than my AH) before I decided that I really didn't like the person that I was anymore. It didn't work for me anymore. I used to rage at my AH and he played the game. Now he doesn't play anymore and I realized how ridiculous I actually looked playing the game by myself. Being out of control is a scary thing and humiliating as well. I also realized that I am an adult and have been for quite some time. I didn't want to look like a child when it came to dealing with crisis and I didn't want my kids to see me this way. So I started to change...I feel better about myself now and I can more effectively manage my own life. I hope that your wife can get there. I too carry a little bit of resentment for my AH because I have been supporting our family for the last several months since he lost his job. I asked him the other day how things would go if I decided I was unhappy in my job and wanted to quit to go on a soul-searching mission...he laughed and said, but your not unhappy in your job. I need constant reminders that he is on the path to something better...which I truly believe most of the time...but it is hard being the breadwinner because of something that he did/did not do (lost his job due to drinking). He also gets to stay home with our children and we had decided that I wouldn't be able to do this when he was working, even though I really wanted to. I can only say I feel your wife's pain on this because you have certain expectations for your life and though they never seem to come to be, it is disappointing still the same.
My advice to you from her side...is do not participate in her crud...set your boundaries about what is acceptable behavior and stick to them. Detach with love. My AH said the other day when I was upset and had said something I am not proud of..."it is not okay for you to disrespect me." After being angry about that...cause I get into the swing and can't always stop (it gets shorter though), I thought...he's right....why do I think I can disrespect him...why do I think that is okay? It isn't. I apologized. Normally, I wouldn't have spoken to him for days....things were okay instantly....it is nice.
Your wife will get there or she won't and all you have to do is decide what you will or won't do. That makes it a heck of a lot easier. She may want to separate...you offered counseling...you did what you could and now it is up to her to decide what she can/can't do....you will know that you gave it your all. I threatened this often with my AH and it really got me no where...I was trying to get him to react...it was a button I could push...I wanted to see how much he cared...he stopped playing by my rules and said let's try counseling. We didn't go because I started changing, but it is still an option if things don't continue going well for us....hopefully your wife will realize that when it comes to becoming a better person, counseling is a small price to pay. You could attend on your own...I did a few times with our pre-treatment marriage counselor and it helped tremendously.
Congrats to you on 5 years...what a wonderful accomplishment. Stop playing your wifes game and continue living and learning...it will start to rub off.