Art,
The thing I learned early on...and it saved my marriage...was that it doesn't take two. You can only change yourself.
My family was in chaos when I went to Al Anon. I had hit my bottom and it was all their fault! If only they would stop fighting...if they would stop drinking...if they would stop lying then everything would be ok.
I was told that the only person I could change was me and I accepted that as fact. I am logical that way. But when they told me that I could influence change by changing myself that was a little harder to accept. As it turned out it was true. Nothing changes if nothing changes and since the only person I can change is myself...let it begin with me.
Ward and I never sat down and talked about anything. That was a fight waiting to happen. But I began to make small changes in my own behavior. For instance...it takes two to fight. I began to walk away and not participate. If I had to get in my car I got in my car. If I had to turn the key and drive away then that is what I did. I began to say "thank-you" and "I love you" more often. If I was mad because he would never leave a note then I started leaving notes. All things that my sponsor told me to do.
My theory at that time was that I was going on this journey and if he wanted to join me then he was welcome to do so but I wasn't willing to stay in the dark with him.
That was 12 years ago and we are happier as a couple today then we ever were. We will be married 24 years this August.
There are plenty of double winners...you may know some. Have you considered Al Anon??
Hugs,
JT