Sometimes it stresses me out to be here.
So I gave in and drank. Why? I don't know really. Was mad. Upset. Angry for no reason that I can put my finger on. Maybe PMS. Who knows?
Anyhow, drinking tonight, don't like it, but it is what it is.
I think I would go farther if I had more hope and I am not sure if I do. Besides feeling better physically from not drinking (and I am not a person who drinks everyday), I don't know what there is to hope for. I was sober for 7 years and while I never felt like cr*p from being drunk, I can't honestly tell any of you that life, "got better."
Because it isn't true. Life was life whether drunk or sober. And so be it.
And does being drunk help? I don't know, sometimes, maybe yes, maybe no.
It would be nice to have someone to talk to. I would love to have a woman friend, but I don't. Seems like the women get married, have kids (not me) and are too busy to hang out with me. I have two friends where I live, both drunks, but it isn't because they are drunk that I hang around them, I would love to have a woman friend, drunk or sober, but they aren't here. So what to do about any of it? I don't know.
When I was sober years ago I was scared and paranoid and that is what made me quit drinking. And sure, yes, life was better than waking up with a hangover everyday, but did I get alot of friends or people to trust out of it? No. I know what comes with getting sober and what came, in all truthfulness, wasn't all that much different.
I ignored my parents because I blamed my drinking on them. And was it partly their fault? Sure, my Dad was a drunk for many years. But what I got in return (the BF), wasn't any better, just different.
I find this site stressful sometimes in the fact that everyone says you have to keep in communication with everyone on the site to get sober. Sometimes I don't have time. Sometimes it is more of a bad thing, than a good one.
What I DO KNOW, is that regardless, it is ME who DECIDES to quit drinking and nothing anyone here, in AA, my mother, or anyone else can keep me from it. It is still up to me.
So use this site as "help" .... ehhhhh, maybe. If I want to drink ...I do ... if I don't want to, I don't. What else is there?