Congratulations Lucy! A few more weeks and you'll have a year under your belt! Well done.
I had a craving today that bugged me a lot. I was cooking a birthday dinner for my husband (it's not his birthday, but I work on his birthday, so close enough...) - homemade Italian bread, homemade pasta - the whole works, and I really wanted a glass of wine with it. Or a beer. It wasn't one of those passing "oh well" cravings. It put the thought into my head "What if I can't do this anymore?" (meaning sobriety). Lately, I've been telling myself to stop eating so much sh!t, and I've totally played the same game as I used to play with alcohol. Shut off my head, and just indulge. And immediately afterwards, I feel awful - both physically and mentally.
And that makes me feel weak. That I can't just stop eating the f-ing ice cream. I am not overweight. I'm not even close. I'm smack in the middle of my BMI range, I work out fairly hard 4-6 days a week, and I don't binge eat. But still, I feel like I'm addicted to my nightly giant ice cream sundae, and I'm really unhappy about my seeming inability to stop the habit. (And I'm not happy with my weight or body shape, so it's not a case of just eating the damn ice cream and being happy.) And I feel like if I can't stop that, then I've not really changed at all. And it makes alcohol all the more dangerous. What if someday, I just decide not to stay sober?
I played the tape to the end, as they say, and it looked ugly. I'm vowing to myself right now that I will not eat the f-ing ice cream tonight. Plan B is a small piece of chocolate, and coffee with maple syrup and milk.