On January 11, 2012, my then AGF saved the worst of her behavior for last.
It's not every day you get emotionally assaulted at work during business hours. But that's what she did, via text message. I remember pacing the corridors at my plant and walking in and out of the cafeteria, and I remember what it felt like when I saw what she thought was the
coup de grace: a picture of her and her new boyfriend who she met in NA.
Then the admission of cheating multiple times, capped by a few
just to rub salt in the wound.
It was over. It was
beyond over. But even in my stricken condition, I was able to determine what she was doing wasn't about me. Al Anon,
Stop Walking on Eggshells, and
I Hate You Don't Leave Me filled in the gaps in my knowledge. No, this was an addict with Borderline Personality Disorder in full flight, reveling in her sadism, but somehow unaware that what she thought was "grace and dignity" was anything but.
Today, 2,000 posts and 3 years later, I look back at it, and I think it's pretty funny. Hysterically funny, actually. Maybe that's because I have an (extremely) warped sense of humor. But I can assure you that on the day, it was anything but funny. The next day -- getting tested for STD's -- was humiliating (thank God I was OK). But a strange thing happened the day after that. I woke up early, got out of bed, and simply decided I was going to be OK. And that, as they say, was that.
See, the thing that I had remembered that morning was something that I had forgotten: the best way to motivate me is to get me angry. And I took that anger and channeled it constructively and got back on my feet within a few weeks of that day.
The reason she did what she did was because she's an addict and a Borderline. But the true reason why she did what she did is because by the time January 11, 2012 came around, I was no longer enabling her. I was no longer trying to fix her. I was no longer reacting to her histrionics. I had detached, at the time with love. But if there's one thing a Borderline/addict hates, it's someone not behaving the way they want us to behave. So she opted to punish me.
Well, how'd that work out?
The whole experience with my AXGF had taught me a great deal. But two things stand out for me. The first thing is it taught me about simple gratitude for what I had and for the people in my life. The second thing is I learned what I don't want to deal with when it comes to people.
I feel part of my role at SR is to challenge the thinking of members who post at FFSA as respectfully as I can with as much sensitivity as I can muster. And the reason why that is is because sometimes we forget that we have choices. I certainly had choices during the 15 months I was with my AXGF, and for much of that time, I made the wrong ones. But at the end, I hit the important choices dead on the screws because I learned that when the addict shows you what they're all about, simply pay attention. Our eyes don't lie. And we can either tolerate it or do what is best
for us.
In the 3 years since my AXGF had her spotlight moment, I've completed graduate school, gotten promoted, lost 42 pounds, become a better guitarist, and strengthened the relationships that I have with my friends, family, and colleagues. And during those 3 years, my AXGF has tried without success to bait me into engaging with her.
Fail. So much for grace and dignity.
So since this is my 2,000th post, I wanted to make it count. If my words and my experience can help even just a little bit, then I've done my job. You can't change or control anyone, but you can change and control yourself.
One more thing: this is my latest toy from the Fender Custom Shop. One of their master builders made me a '69 pink paisley Telecaster and aged her so she looks like she's 45 years old. She's a gem.