Champ...
Absolutely everything you said was me. Except I don't have a son, I have daughters. And you left out my DUIs and my divorces and my other 'run ins' with the police over the years.
Everything else exactly the same. Oh.... Plus many many failed attempts at 'just drinking normally'.
I can so relate to the feeling of being caught in the cycle. The dread of 'never being able to drink again'. The how will I have fun... All of it.
I'm one year sober now and having more fun than ever. I'm happy and I'm free and I have genuine joy in my life. Some days I have challenges..... Some days I'm sad. Turns out; that's because I'm human and those are called 'life' and 'feelings' - we have them when we're drunk too... Difference is, in sobriety we can find joy even in sadness because we know gratitude.
Champ... You don't have to do this anymore. What I have learned is that I haven't 'given up' anything by choosing sobriety. Instead, I have made a choice that has gained me my life.
I am fit again. I have self respect again. I have self esteem again. I have sincerity and depth and feeling and love and joy and all of it, for once, is REAL. I don't suffer remorse or shame or despair or hangovers or declining health or break out in handcuffs anymore.
I know my daughters are safe and well cared for and will never see me drunk and that I will always be fully there for them.
My lady admires me. My family looks up to me. I am there for them and for my community. I am not a drunk, I am a good man. I am able to contribute to the flow of life. My bills are paid. I'm not dodging creditors. I'm saving money. I'm skiing with my daughters. I'm training for an ultra marathon.
Champ.... You're a Champ, not a chump. Champs don't need to pour poison down their throats to be someone.
I know exactly how scary and daunting it feels.... That is your addiction talking through. Stop listening to it and start acting.
In just a short time you will begin to see the light of the truth Life has to offer. In a much shorter time than you imagine - if you actively work on sobriety - you will begin to discover a life you have always imagined was possible.... A short time beyond that you will discover its far better than you ever dreamed.
All you have to do is choose that path, be willing to give it your all, and get support to do it.
There are many ways to do it but all of them mean action. Not planning, not 'pretty soon', not thinking about.... But choosing and doing. Now.
My way has been AA. It works. I didn't like it at first. It wasn't for me. Until it was. I opened my mind and my heart and I laid aside my resistance because I wanted to be the best man I could be and be free of that cursed cycle. I give it my all and it's working.
I also include individual counseling. Not for alcohol, but for parenting, for relationship work, for self development, for working cognitively on my anxiety and fears and issues from my own growing up with and alcoholic parent. And of course.... This place has been there for me all along and is a near-daily part of my foundation of sobriety.
Choosing sobriety doesn't mean 'I can't' it means 'I choose not to, because I choose LIFE'