Rina

I'm sitting outside my annual family "after" Christmas party and everyone is drinking. My uncle just asked me why I won't drink after I'm off probation for the DUI I got earlier this year. "You were never a big drinker" he said. "You don't want to drink now so you obviously don't have a problem. You just drank and drove too much that night and you learned your lesson."
My AV is kicking in hard core. That is exactly what it has been saying to me all week. I'm sitting here ruminating about how eventually I can drink again!! This is why I cling to the fear and anxiety so much because when I start to feel in control, I begin to have thoughts like these. I don't have any desire to drink right now but I'm so scared I'm going to eventually drink again. I can't imagine going to these family functions for the rest of my life and not have a few drinks. I'm playing the tape through and telling myself that it will just lead to the compulsion and black out binging that becomes normal for me. Ugh! This is awful..