Originally Posted by
freetosmile 
Hello and welcome to SR. I am relatively new here as well and have found A LOT of comfort in this forum. I also have LEARNED a lot.
I don't really have any advice to give you- my AH (alcoholic husband) is in treatment and so our recovery is just getting underway. Furthermore, we are only 4 years into marriage.
What I wanted to to tell you is that I'm so sorry your wife has said those hurtful things to you. "I don't like the person I am when I am around you"...wow...that is very hurtful, especially when she is your WIFE! You deserve more than that.
My AH says some things to me that just make my jaw drop and my heart ache. I really hope that you find peace and that you are far enough in your own recovery to not let those words define you. That is the real kicker for me. I eat up the words and allow them to destroy who I am.
I hope you find peace this holiday season and that your wife gets a reality check. It is NOT ok to treat others like that. EVER.
Probably didn't help you out much, but you should know that her words don't define you. I'm sure you already know that...but just a reminder.
FreeToSmile,
Thanks for your empathy. I wish you all good things in the work that awaits you.
As you probably know, it's very hard to let go of cruel things your spouse says, especially if they never recant or ask forgiveness (or in my wife's case, offer occasional and vague apologies "for anything I may have said or done that hurt you."). In my case, this erodes my trust of her, which in a cruelly ironic twist, is one of her main complaints of me. I swear she is completely oblivious to the possibility that her behavior influences my trust of her. It would make a hilarious movie if I weren't living it.
My wife preaches empathy, compassion and true intimacy, yet does everything in her power to sabotage those very things. I fear she thinks that divorcing me will solve all her problems.
I look forward to our joint counseling and my continued "shopping" for the right Al Anon group.