Originally Posted by schnappi99

I'm kind of in the same boat tz... my "list" is similar. I started in alanon back in Feb and started getting a whiff of recovery over the summer and I want <a lot> more. Got a sponsor, started working the steps and discovering stuff and it feels great to start breaking free of the old busted stuff. I have to manage the logistical footprint of the recovery work so its not a burden for others.. yet raw's doesn't use much time or effort beyond seeing her shrink (which shes doesn't talk about much) and some non-AA fellowship. I realize my recovery is about me and if there is to be influence its thru attraction not me trying to point things out. I've sure done a lot of that in the past so my living amends includes NOT doing that kind of thing. But its hard to keep my mouth shut when I see her so closed down and afraid and sad. I get the stick too- redirection, displacement and isolation and its often hard to let go. I have the feeling her mind is an uncomfortable place and has been for a while.. it seems like the way I'm to help now is to be there, not applying pressure.

But it turns out I'm obsessed with not having sex or making love or having much of any intimate contact which is a prominent feature of our marriage post-alcohol (and years preceeding). I'm working with that now its proving a major hurdle and I can trace it back to my teenage years so it'll be a while recovering from that. Its a primary topic over which I've applied pressure, emotional & otherwise.. but disengaging myself from myself if you will is delicate and as complicated as can be.

I often hear things like "if its working for you then leave" bandied about but I really wonder how people can so blithely consider breaking up a long and at least variably successful marriage particularly when there are kids involved and things are not actually insane. Yet my codie brain will keep going to "what about in ~10years when the daughter is out of the house?", and the classic "If only she would do...". The prospect of pulling the divorce trigger over the lack of a satisfactory intimate life or just because we aren't perfectly happy together just looks gross to me.. more of the same old dysfunctional crap that has made a mess for so many others.

I have found that the harder I work my program the more clearly I can see things and the more delicately I can respond... so thats my plan for the immediate future.