Originally Posted by
Todzilla 
We've got a lot to unravel, but when she's in a good mood, we click amazingly and I want to be around her forever. But as those times become increasingly rare, I just don't know.
My work is to not feel anger or resentment when she says hurtful things to me. Some days I do a great job of interpreting her lashing out as a cry for pain. Other days, I feel myself getting really pissed off that she's indifferent to, or actively seeking to advance, my pain.
Your statement about how you "click when she's in a good mood" reads just like the posts of those who talk about how amazing their A is when he/she is sober. The problem is, the 2 sides belong to the same person, and one is as real as the other. We don't get to separate the "good guy/gal" from the bad one.
I'm not so sure it's "your work" to stop yourself from feeling what any normal healthy human would feel. We are not in training to be saints--we are in training to feel good enough about ourselves and strong enough in ourselves that we no longer accept unacceptable treatment. And I myself would consider someone being indifferent to my pain, let alone someone seeking to advance my pain, as unacceptable. She has problems in her life, yes, but so does everyone else. That is not an excuse.
I'm glad to hear you're in Alanon. I hope SR can be a useful adjunct to that program for you. It sure has for me.