shil2587....I think Eddiebuckle's post is excellent advice. And, it really does make it so much easier if he has a sponsor and his groups to turn to.
I do hear what you are saying...I think. You feel that it is only "human" and loving to offer support when your mate is struggling--while avoiding the control thing (if I read you correctly?). I imagine that you feel like this is what marriage is about---mutual support in times of need. AND I ABSOLUTELY AGREE.
HERE IS THE STICKEY WICKET: When it comes to his recovery (specifically)--HE DOES NOT NEED YOUR SUPPORT. You cannot do for him what other alcoholics and program members can do. The two are already too intertwined in the dance together..and it gets even worse if you are playing the role that a sponsor or counselor should play.
His recovery is his , alone. He has to take full responsibility for managing it. He has to do it for himself. It can't be entirely "his" if you are involved.
Should you support him? I say absolutely yes---as a wife and fellow human being--to the extent that you can take care of your own needs and welfare, also. Just not his program.
On a personal note--I think that it gives us a feeling of security and power in a relationship to feel like we are "needed". That they can't make it without us. If they need us--they will never leave us, kind of thing. Actually, we are in safer ground if they want us...rather than need us to do the things for them that they should and can be doing for themselves.
LOL....actually, I think that this is a long-winded way of saying....I think EddieBuckle is right!!!
dandylion