There is deep grief in living alone while in a marriage, especially with someone who used to be your best friend, confidante, lover and companion. You are still there, but he is not.
The hardest part for me to acknowledge and finally understand, after a 20 year marriage, is that we can't do anything at all to change our partner. How they live is up to them, despite the anguish that may bring to us.
Baby steps are the way to go - and you can take care of yourself even in the midst of this devastating loss. Sometimes emotional loss and trauma is worse than physical, so don't under-estimate what you are going through. Physical abuse, while terrible, can be named and understood and coped with on that level. Adding emotional abuse - or the loss that comes from losing a beloved partner in fact, if not in legal status - changes our whole perception of ourselves and the world around us.
This is the place to start. You sound like you are in depression, and whether it comes from living with alcoholism, the baby postpartum blues, or both, you need and deserve treatment. Starting with sharing your feelings on SR is a wonderful step. We here have lived through what you are living through, and many of us have come long steps toward a happier more fulfilling life. You can trust us and share with us.
It would be good for you to see your doctor since it may be medication is indicated, and you may be able to get a referral to a good psychologist who takes your insurance. They may be able to start counseling by just acknowledging where you are now emotionally, and helping you there without initially requiring a long onerous conversation. That is probably your depression talking, anyway. In any event, you need support and taking small steps to get it is a great way to start.
Hugs,
ShootingStar1