Originally Posted by
wanttobehealthy 
Lexie I think you're right and I think if it were anyone else I wouldn't be so skeptical but w xah everything becomes an opportunity to ecert control and manipulate and using the kids as pawns is just part of it.
My state actually writes into the standard parenting plans including ours that the things that the kids bring between the houses are their property and are to stay with the kids and not be kept hostage by the other parent. It's much more diplomatic than that but that is the just of it. I have no need for more stuff at my house so I am happy to have him have toys for the kids at his place. But when a 6 yr old seems to feel the anger from him about not letting her take anything home w her to use on the 6 days she isn't with him THAT is the crap that angers me
Your exah reminds me of my non-A but mentally ill mom in several ways.
After more than 30 years of pondering this dynamic and many others, I have come to the conclusion that (in our instance and I believe yours) the mentally ill parent does this to exert control and stake their claim over the kids, the kids stuff and to show that they are "equal" to the custodial parent. I don't remember if I told you everything about my mom, but she has an actual dx of NPD from the 1980's in addition to her brain injury. The doctors did not know for sure, but believed the NPD existed before the head injury. The injury exaggerated the behaviors and ability to address it. She also got a manic depression dx back then, so what caused what who knows.
This behavior shifted for us and might with your kids as they get older from being directed at you (my dad for us) to your kids (my sis and me). It is just the way it is and we hate it but accept it and no longer try to change her or "fix" the situation.
His alcoholism will morph whatever he is in the future, but luckily your kids will have choices as they get older whether or not to see him. Just don't bad mouth him to them. I have always been worried that I will turn into my mother when I got older and so far that hasn't happened, but my dad taking shots at her personality dx and mental illness throughout my life has made me question whether I was genetically predisposed to develop whatever that is. If you can present info to them in such a way that they understand they have choices and do not have to turn into their dad (as they get older) they will appreciate it.
*Another note: My mother STILL has my old toys and clothes at her house. She NEVER gave them to me. They are hers in her mind and represent something I will never understand. Don't be surprised by any of this.