I've had no contact now with him for nearly 5 weeks (Thursday) and I've slowly began to feel stronger, actually ive been feeling a lot of anger towards him and myself. I go the the point the other day where I couldn't care less what he says, about the whys and the how's I realised it just is and no answer or explanation or reading and understanding will ever make anything he has done or not done ok and I'd had enough of the questions and trying to find answers especially ones I could accept!
It just is, he chose to leave, he chose to continue drinking rather than seek help and fight for what he supposedly wanted and couldn't live without but the truth of the matter is he did fight all these years for what he couldn't live without alcohol and when me his enabler, wouldn't put up with it anymore he left, drink is more important than his wife and kids and had I not been so determined in my resolve for him to seek help he may still be here and we would continue the cycle!!
I am angry with myself that I begged and pleaded with him for 8 months to come home to get help that I would always be there for him, fool!! I am angry that he had so little respect for me that he told me he was leaving during a phone call has refused to sit down and talk honestly, one day he feels one thing the next something else, that he told me via text that he doesn't love me and wants a divorce, then tries the woe is me with the il probably regret this decision for the rest of my life I've lost everything my best friend, my wife the love of my life but it's best for me if he divorces me as I need to move on and stop wasting my time on a loser like him! I've realised yes I do need to stop wasting my time on him, he's a coward not even man or adult enough to talk to me face to face!!! And yes if I'm honest how he has handled this has hurt me deeply and I know I haven't handled it the best either!!
Yet he tells DD that he loves me after telling me doesn't
yip I completed overreacted and cried for the first time in days although the tears had been bubbling up all day. I immediately went into he does love me there's hope I should contact him see if it's true blah blah blah and I say blah blah because the nonsense I was telling myself isn't worth writing! I didn't contact him.
Now I'm feeling furious again how dare he try to manipulate my DD how dare he fill her head with the same crap he filled mine with! He doesn't love me, he doesn't know how to love and if how he has treated me over our 18 years together is love i am glad to be out of it I don't want someone to 'love' me that way!!
Sorry for the long post but this has been building for a while now and I needed to get it out and feel like I was heard. Thank you