Thinking of you, Lady!! I hope your little girl comes soon (or, even better, is already here!).
I had this craving today that was so visceral. I was just driving my daughter around trying to get her to nap, and had an incredible desire for an IPA. Lately, I've been having more and more of those thoughts creeping in that tell me that it's been so long, and I've been so fine with my sobriety, that surely I can have a beer now and then. And I'd really like to believe that, but I know there's something else going on. I wonder if some of it is wanting to reward myself for all my self-achievements in November. I wonder if it's feeling like no matter how hard I work out, I can't seem to shake a pound or an inch off my body (I have no motivation to change my diet, which, while is mostly healthy, is full of ice cream and other treats, so basically I eat all the calories I burn), and that's discouraging. I wonder if it's winter coming and the low level feelings of seasonal affective hitting me. I also wonder if it's the disappointment that I'm not pregnant, and lately, have had really strong feelings that I never will be again. I know that sounds epic, but I've just had these weird feelings come over me that this is it for me, and that if I keep trying, I will keep losing. The last long-term sobriety I had was before and during my first daughter's pregnancy. I was sober for 9 months before getting pregnant with her, and then stayed sober until she was 11 months old, so what is that, 2.5 years? And I guess I kind of hoped that a pregnancy would come along and help me out a little in this stint of sobriety. I realize that sounds so.... pathetic. But this time last year, I was pregnant with the one I miscarried, and I thought I would be again by now... As I go on and on about this, I'm really thinking that it's what's giving me the inkling to drink. Like, **** this. Why be so "good" when I feel like there's no payback? Which is ridiculously childish. What am I doing this for anyway? I should be able to see the payback in my life. It's all right in front of me. It's startling to realize that alcohol is probably such a part of my chemistry that it will always look like an attractive option to some degree.