Pach

I am new to threads and posted on the wrong one. But I think I can post it here.

I took my last drink last night.

I would like to say a few things about myself, however. I lost my 13 year old daughter 4 years ago due to abduction. Before that, I had had a very difficult life. Who hasn't had traumas. We all do. But I was never in control of the painful things happening around me all of my life, and I stopped trying. Then go figure, I wasn't able to see my husband-to-be was a creep, so I married him. Met el monstro on August 18th 1993, my daughter was conceived August 18th 1997, he abducted her yup, August 18th 2011. Since then, I began not having just one drink anymore, because I stopped caring about life. I didn't realize until a few months ago, that I had just let go totally, and wanted it to end.

I also lost an evil mother to mesothelioma lung and brain cancer last December 12th 2013. I haven't cried and as I spent my life protecting myself from her dangers, I do not miss her. I have cried, however, because I thought I didn't know hate, I could not hate anyone, even my ex for abducting my daughter (but I know it's coming). I realized how much I hated and feared her presence in my life, and how much she even knew she was doing to me because she didn't do it to anyone else in her world. I knew she was jealous of me, I was not the only one who knew. She was catty, at best. Understanding how much my pain and fear was merely as cheaply cut as a ruse to her muse, hurts and hurts.

I started having at first 4 glasses sometimes in an evening that first few months after my daughter was gone. Before her abduction, I didn't know what a bar was. Then, as time passed, I met a guy, we dated over the course of a year and we drank every night. This, I had never done. When I say we drank, I mean we drank two or three bottles together. Oh, those certainly were the days, because weeks could go by, and no biggie. Never craved or anything.

Alcohol is a silent creep. In the months that followed after the jarring way he'd broken up with me in 2013, I huddled in my room, door closed, with two bottles of wine, just for me. I even went and bought a blue plastic coke/iced-tea cup just for me and my vino. Every night, Netflix, FB and vino!

Every, night. Just me, myself, and miserable I.

And then I took on two new jobs in September 2013 in the fall. Morning til night, 7:15 a.m. - 7:30 p.m., I worked my tail off. But every night, I'd stop and get some cheap boxed red wine with those little taps on them, and fill my cup to the top! Yeah, the box that contains the equivalent of three bottles of wine. It would take me 2-3 days to consume one of those. Cup always full, away I'd sip. I'd go to sleep, needing to set my alarm to get up at a decent hour for work. It worked for a long time, too.

By the time April 2014 came around, I was still doing the boxed thing, but I would nearly finish one in an evening. Talk about a progressive disease. I went to bed drunk every night.

But I never had withdrawal symptoms at all, so I didn't have a problem LOL. Uh-huh, right.

So now as soon as September, I decided to reward my behavior by upgrading my alcoholism to the 5 bottle boxes! Boy, how financially savvy was I now!

Well, I now knew I had a problem. People at work could smell my stale breath in the morning, and began giving me sideways looks of disappointment. Two weeks ago, at a staff meeting around 6 p.m., two of my colleagues did unto one another the old "I know, that you know that I know what that smell is, and who it's coming from" look at each on their way out. My breath was steaming now a smell of alcohol that I didn't have in the morning. Just stale in the a.m. And I never drink in the morning, so this was over 18 hours after the crime! I was flooding myself with alcohol, and sweating stink at around 5 p.m. This came to a whole new snow-balling level of omg, this is out of control.

I am an ... could it be, no waaaay, please God no, I'm an alcoholic.

Just last week, I began not being able to walk in the morning as if drunk. Duh, I probably still was, given that I started drinking that 5 bottle box every other day til gone, at 8 p.m. 2.5 bottles a night, each night. I'd pass out, wake up sometimes at 3 a.m. I would go back to sleep, get up at 6 again, and work my 12 hr. day.

But now, I was scared. My father. We met up and I realized he'd been watching me for some time, not saying peeps. But now the look on his face, realizing how I smelled, again in the evening, the anger and hurt in his eyes and he didn't even look at me. God, no. I am quitting. I can't live like this, it's eating me alive and it will affect my work and my r-s with my dad, and I am NOT going to let this happen to me, I simply cannot-will not. No.

I have not seen him because we are both so hurt and disappointed beyond words, him at me, and me at myself.

So.

Yesterday I realized I had not eaten since breakfast and it was now 7 hours later. Or the day before, I then realized as I thought about it. And for the past week, a few times, my hands were shaky from about 8:30 a.m. until 4 p.m.

So, last night, I started looking up alcoholism. Gee, guess what. Pigs do fly, and I am a totally self-absorbed alcoholic.

I was drunk, and so this realization really hit me hard. I cried in a way I had never cried before, my hands, body, sound of my cries and the way my face was so scared. I had done this out of my pain and anguish, but it didn't masque what damage I was coming to if I didn't stop right now.

So I left my half full blue plastic glass on my bedside, and had about 2 liters of water, and went to sleep. I awoke at 3 a.m. Did not drink that glass sitting there, but got back on the computer to devise what I was going to do about it.

I should say here that 3 weeks ago I went a day and a half without any, and I was not craving or with-drawling. At night when I did drink, I went and bought just one bottle to see if I had a problem. I was fine with one bottle, and that was weird. I just push myself beyond my limits if it's in front of me. It was after that my hands started shaking just recently.

When I got home tonight, I turned on my puter, put the half full box of wine into a paper bag (and the other two empty ones, what a lush), and dumped all 3 into the trash that will be coming in the morning. The empty glass, I dumped, washed out with soap and water, and, smiling, threw it into the trash.

So it's been 24 hours and I have mild shakes. Its 12.30 a.m. and I am tired. We'll see if I can sleep or not.

I went through hell last night, my heart was broken and aching. This will not go any further.

I am an all or nothing woman. I stopped smoking cold turkey, I lost 125 lbs on my own, and I will do this on my own. I am drinking diluted juice for sugars and water because that is what I crave and I am actually hungry.

So I guess I am technically beginning day 2 now. Not looking forward to nightmares and hallucinations, but if anyone is going to grab this evil by it's horns, it is me.

Okay that wasn't just a little about me. But I am not craving it right now. I never do. I just hurt myself. But my body is reacting differently so now I am going to just cut it off.

I must reiterate that last night's incident, my crying, the way my body was moving, I was so sad, and that is going to be etched into my heart and memory forever as my strength to pull through this and take it my grave. I was totally on my knees, and that, ironically, is going to be my backbone in this.


Your posts have given me strength to know that what I am doing is right, and that I can do it!