It's great to have you with us imamess. I'm so sorry for the pain and anxiety you're feeling.
I did out of character and dangerous things when I drank. It wasn't always that way, but over the years it took it's a toll on me. I tried for a long time to use willpower to control how much I drank - but once it was in my system there was no telling what would happen. The only way to stay safe and sane was to ban it from my life and not risk having a meltdown. It feels so good to be free of it. You can do this.