Originally Posted by heartcore

When I find myself trapped in the very small mental room of "recovery" - in which I feel straight-jacketed and controlled - I need to remind myself that I am the one who locked myself in there, and that at any given moment I have the capacity to let myself out.

When it is a choice between the claustrophobia of "being good" vs. the pirate freedoms, I choose to drink and "be free."

The trick for me is to break through those imaginary walls and have my sobriety be the more spacious alternative.

Too many meetings puts me in the padded walled room, the padding all the stories and emotions of myself and the group, thick and insulating. I love the program, and often love meetings, but my world feels limited and small when all the characters in it are program-speaking-folk and all my non-working time is spent rushing to and from meetings in windowless rooms.

I got sober to be in nature, to travel, to get physically fit, to learn myself, to play music, to run, to make new friends who know only this me...that's the balance for me.

I did 90 in 90 after my relapse, to be sure I was connected socially with the program/felt part of. Seriously, by the end of the 90 days, I knew that if I sat through one more meeting, I would drink just to disqualify myself! The same folks saying the same things, lives stalled and frozen in place...

Now I'm going to two meetings a week, and that is just right for me. I am excited to see people, I feel the support of the community, I have an opportunity to contribute to the community, and then I can move on to this wide, free, anything is possible life that I got sober for.

In the end - it has to be about happiness for me. If I am unhappy, I'm not going to do it. Just like if a person doesn't enjoy gym based exercise, a sense of duty isn't going to get them there three times a week, even though they signed up for a year's membership. I like to be outside; a gym membership is a waste of my money. I know that about myself, and have still tried a few times, re-learning that truth.

Same with the program. Too many meetings, and I can't stand it. I flee through relapse. I know this about myself.

I don't drink. That's all. My life isn't all about that; sobriety is a foundational factor in the good things in my life right now, but it is not the center of my attention. Many people say that is a dangerous place to be, but I feel strong here. There is too much to lose. Building a life so valuable and happy and committed that there isn't any option to throw it away. I think that is a very personal process for all of us, and this is how it works best for me.