I really need help 😱
This post is gonna be kind of lame, maybe desperate... but I'm just lost and need some advice. So, ever since I got past 90 days again, I felt like I was unstoppable. Part of me feels like it wasn't a complete delusion either. Earlier this year, when I had strung a week or so together, I would go out, and whatever I was doing, I'd be so "hyper focused" on trying to be happy. I felt like I had something to prove to myself and everyone else- that sober life *was* worth it, and that it was a life I could achieve.
Then, suddenly, I wasn't trying anymore, and all my smiles were real smiles, and all my laughs were no longer contrived. I loved that feeling. I felt that way even up to hitting 100 days, maybe even 110.
But something's happened lately, and in my quiet moments, I feel low again. I've been really abusing these sleeping pills I have...I don't think I'm truly sober anymore, if I'm being honest with myself. It's just these mixtures of alcohol and pills, and I'm wondering if I'll wake up in the morning. If I want to.
Beforehand, I told everyone I could do it on my own, I gave all the NA/AA groups people suggested the proverbial middle finger, as well as the people who told me I had a problem to begin with- family and friends alike who were pretty insistent in the beginning but aren't too supportive now.
Back in July, I thought I had a moment where I looked in the mirror and said I was finally done with all of this. I harped on how "I felt like a changed woman" - and how I had felt all the pain I needed to feel to inspire a change. I'm not sure what broke in me. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this either, but now, I'd be lying If I said I was still doing well and keeping afloat. I don't know where to start over, and I suppose this whole time I've just been white knuckling or a dry drunk, or however you say it, because In all honesty, I've just been waiting to relapse.
Help, what do I do?