Hi Pam
I've suggested this before but I'm going to suggest it again - find a counsellor to help you with your grief. Like others have said there are many other avenues of help for you to reach out to without involving a bottle.
I don't feel I'm being over dramatic when I say this, cos you're on the lip of an abyss Pam - and you've been there for some time.
It's a tragedy when parents have to bury one daughter...it would be a thousand times worse if they had to bury two.
D