Hey Raider
I'm agree with Nuudawn. Have you thought of seeing a counsellor. Grief is important to express fully and not keeping inside. I became an alcoholic after my father died. Wasted 6 years of my life. I would really urge that you do try that (the counselling !). No comments on your relapse. That would be much too hypocritical of me !
Hang in there Raider...please have compassion for yourself as we have for you