I haven't been here in awhile, and reading all these posts, well, it is hard to read. My father is still an alcoholic. Lives in Az. My mother is remarried, very bitter and angry. Growing up? Well, They divorced when I was 8. But I was the one who had all the anger taken out on. I was beaten so badly at times. I have refused to think about it for years, then one day, talking to an old freind back from high school, he told me a story where he remembers me never wanting to go home. How one day, I left my sweater at their house, he came to return it, obvioulsy I was a few minutes late getting in, and was again beaten for it. The embarassing part of the story came, when my dear friend told me he arrived to give me back my sweater and heard EVERYTHING. He never had told me then, but told me now. I just cryed. It brought back such a flash of memories in such a FLASH. He told me, that he would take that to the grave. Thats a good friend.
I look over that list and I think, wow. Maybe this is why I dont want to get close to anyone. Maybe this is why I have a hard time loving, trusting, giving, my heart. I would help anyone. BUT.... My life is private. I like being alone. It is SAFE!! NOONE can harm, beat, verbally, physically abuse me. To the other person who asked about the one guy being alone, and if that is part of it? OH YA! Definately. I accept my mom as my mom and my dad as my dad, this is true. Recently my dad had to have major surgery and he calls me up, ( he NEVER calls me, sends birthday cards, Christmas cards NOTHING) and says to me on the phone about his surgery. ( I've had 13 in my lifetime) I just told him everything would be ok. That I knew all about surgery and what its like. I think what hurt? Is he said to me, "When did YOU have surgery?"
Is there anger there? Yes some. ok maybe more then some. I have 20 years of my emotions of poetry on a website. I read through it and think yes, this list is most definately me.
Ive lost a lot of friends in my life, recently lost my best friend in March, then just last weekend, my other friend, "Linda". She died of Scirosis(sp) and Liver Cancer. Years of drinking, and knowing she was going to die. She died sober. Her b/f and I helped to pack up her apartment. I found this among her things and it just brought me to a "still" with tears, realizing the date on the clipping from 1999. So, I will share this with you all, and thank you for letting me go on. This was in an Ann Landers Column, among her personal items.
this is entitled:
"Positively Negative"
We drank for joy and became miserable....
We drank for sociability and became argumentative.....
We drank for friendship and became enemies.......
We drank to help us sleep and awakened exhausted......
We drank to gain strength, and it made us weaker.
We drank for exhilaration and ended up depressed......
We drank for "medical reasons" and aquired health problems.
We drank to calm us down and ended up with the shakes.....
We drank to get more confidence and became afraid.
We drank to make conversation flow more easily, and the words came out slured and incoherent....
We drank to diminish problems and saw them mulitply.....
We drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.
---Author Unknown---
I really don't know my thoughts on this as I cannot really seem to put them in words. Why she kept this tucked away? I guess I will never know. Did it work to keep her sober at the end? I really pray it did. I do Hope it helps somone else maybe "get it".
Thanks Brothers and sisters for letting me share
