Judging people by their actions: recovery related
Anvil's post brought up a topic that has been bugging me specifically for the past few days. I have learned to watch what people do, not what they say after a few years of program and time on SR, but I find that I still can confuse myself when I only look at a small window of time.
Many of us come here saying, "Well, but look, he's changed. He hasn't drank in 2 weeks. He's going to AA. She picked the kids up this week on time every day. He helped with the laundry all month long. She didn't pick a fight for the last 2 months even though I know she's not in recovery.....etc etc etc".
Over time, I finally have come to realize that it's not just their actions today, last week, this morning, or on Sunday that matter. It's the pattern of behaviors and actions that someone is taking that help me make better judgements over whether this person is a safe person. I can't just look at what my AH did over the past week or so because, quite frankly, he's been down right pleasant and easy to be around. I have to look at the patterns and I have to decide for myself whether I can take down a wall, whether this is something I can talk to face to face with him about or whether it's best left to email, whether I can discern if we're in a place where we can be civil or whether something will lead to his passive aggressive behavior or my defensiveness, etc.
Recovery, for me, has been a place where I have learned discernment, better judgement skills, and has given me a place to comprehend what a boundary really is and what it means in reality TO ME. None of this has come easy. I didn't have boundaries. I was a people pleasing doormat and if you said jump, I'd ask how high and I wouldn't even consider the cost to myself. I do now. I think and discern and use wisdom before I take action, especially action that puts me in a position where I sacrifice my dignity or myself in some way for someone else.
That is what recovery has done for me. What has recovery done for you when it comes to judging others and looking out for your own best interest?