there is this belief that someone needs to *allow* me to make this decision, even though that, too, I know is illogical
Just realizing that you have that thought, and realizing it's illogical, is a good step.
I felt the same way. I felt like
he needed to do something that was so bad that
everyone would agree that I had the right to leave.
I will also tell you that I was terrified of what my parents would say when I remarried. They're sweet, lovely people -- but at almost 50 years of age, I was still scared that they would disapprove of my decision.