Ugh
Things seem to be getting better between RAH and me but for some reason I feel so unhappy at times. I am so conflicted internally. I am at an impasse with all of this and right now I don't want to stay involved in all of this. I am feeling stronger, more capable in myself but there is NO relationship left with RAH. It's like we're roommates not a married couple. I really conflicted about this. Why? I would feel like a failure if we split up. I have seen this through thus far and I almost feel like I'm abandoning him. I am afraid of the shitstorm that will ensue from my A father if we divorced. I will never hear the end of it and on a certain level, I am still very fearful of him, although I seem to be making a little progress. When his cyclone of terror is not directed at me, I'm fine but when it is, I feel like a terrified 10 year old girl again. I do not want to have any sort of connection to RAHs FOO again, and if I stay I will be irrevocably connected to them, even if I never talk to them again.
I just feel like anything we ever had is gone. I am not physically attracted to him anymore. Somehow I feel like I would he running away from my problems again and I don't want to do that again. I'm afraid of what will happen to my dogs. Ugh. Idk why this is SO HARD.