Vaya, I am sorry to hear that your son isn't ready to commit to sobriety yet. It took me a long time to be ready to quit, and until I got to that time & place nothing and no one would have been capable of getting me sober.
There is an expression in recovery that is hard to accept, but I believe that it is true: pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Suffering is what happens when we try to play god with the things we cannot change. Your instincts and responses here are totally natural and normal, but that doesn't make them effective or healthy. Give yourself the time and space to let yourself heal - this is his journey and you have yours. It is easy to get lost in the noise of someone else's issues and totally miss the things we need to do for our own sanity.
Good luck. You and your son are in my prayers.