The Train Wreck That is Me
In lieu of posting a long, articulately written story about my life (which I would love to be able to do someday), I figured I would just showcase my ADD and highlight the main points.
- Almost all of my family members have some type of mental disorder or addiction. My uncle literally drank himself to death. Literally. I remember drinking his disgusting whiskey at 12 years old. I also remember him dying when I was 17 years old because he endured multiple diabetes-alcohol related seizures. The man was literally brain dead, I mean, my grandma had to tie him to a chair with a sheet because he was beating the hell out of her. My grandpa handed him a folded piece of paper and told him it was a time machine. He was toothless, sick, and died alone with all the shame of the whole family.
- My own parents weren't worth a damn growing up. I have countless memories of abuse and neglect, but some of the worst involve my mom. In particular, one of her wrapping my entire head in masking tape for her amusement and me subsequently not being able to breathe. Her bright idea was to wet the tape which in fact just filled my masking tape headdress with water and almost drowned me. Luckily there were scissors nearby and she cut it off before I died.
- I started drinking when I was 13. I vehemently denied using marijuana because my dad did "drugs"; I found his weed stash in his room in 6th grade, but in hindsight, it was the least evil of the things he did.
- Also at 13, I nearly died from alcohol poisoning. I was in ICU for days, but then went home and all was fine until the next, and next, and next hospital visits.
- I'm realizing now that there are tons and tons of bullets I could make.
- What am I truly trying to say here? I'm not sure. It's a bad story, I know, but I think the background has a lot to do with my personal psychology as an "adult".
- I've done every drug I could ever find. My loves were pain pills, alcohol, and self-harm.
- I've been hospitalized for months because of self-harm injuries, some involving guns.
- I still sometimes believe I'm capable of being a normal human being but I'm not fully convinced.
- I love reading stories here of other people who have endured far worse and achieved much more. I always tell myself there are people out there who are worse/have it worse/have done worse/have felt worse and have done so much more than I can even fathom. It doesn't demean me, it gives me strength.
- I don't like pissing contests for bad lives. I feel like everyone who is here has had it bad, and oftentimes the outward context is no comparison to what people have felt in their minds.
- One day I hope I find the key to helping myself because I would devote my life to helping others. I truly believe that I would be a poster child for "if I can do it, anyone can".
- I have never had any run-ins with the law and I'm truly amazed. I saw where two of my friends from middle school accidentally exposed their children to drugs or actually killed the child and I just can't fathom how someone could get that deep.......... but the sad part is I totally understand.
- The pieces of Under the Influence on this site have given me an awful lot to think about. I'm such an over-thinker.
- I'm not looking for pity or cheers... just another story from another broken person. Maybe someone can relate.
- I'm here.. I feel like I'm in the right place. I'll keep browsing. This is my first post... so bear with me. I read several of COW's posts and they made me laugh. I like it here.
-Until the next..