BrightStarr

I'm starting a 30-day sobriety stint tomorrow - I realize this might seem counter-productive but the thought of giving up drinking FOREVER is too overwhelming to stomach right now; if it turns out to be permanent, then so be it but as of now all I am concerned with is making it through the month. I have always had the idea that my drinking is not a problem so long as it does not interfere with work/school, my financial situations, or my personal relationships. If I am completely honest with myself, however, all of the above have suffered as a result of my drinking - I never miss work due to drinking/hangovers, but I often crawl into work after a night of drinking feeling like I got hit by a semi and can't imagine my performance is too hot. I write lengthy essays for class but I crack into a six-pack about halfway through and have somehow managed to wrap up certain assignments while blacked out. I can't seem to scrape up enough money to buy a decent haul of groceries but I always, ALWAYS have enough for a night out at the bars and the inevitable billion-calorie greasy-spoon hangover brunch the next day. "So what?" I reasoned. "People still like me. Nobody thinks I'm a raging drunk." Nobody knows that I have an arsenal of empty beer bottles in my closet, either, which I take out once a week when my roommate's not home so she won't know how much I drink. They also don't know that on nights when we're not hanging out drinking socially I'm at home, alone, in my room, getting wasted and watching Gilmore Girls.
After witnessing me fall asleep at the bar last night (not an unusual occurrence, unfortunately), a very dear friend of mine urged me (while I was still wasted) to cut back on my alcohol intake - as I said, though, no one is aware of my "private" drinking life: my friend was speaking only in terms of social situations. The pathetic nature of my secret solitary drinking aside, my friend's concern greatly disturbed me. I have no desire to be "that drunk girl" whose friends are forced to spend nights out baby-sitting her (while this does not happen on a regular basis, it still happens - and manages to happen again and again despite absolutely HARROWING feelings of regret, remorse, and shame on my behalf following each incident). I have driven many times while drunk, despite a very clear sober understanding of exactly what a selfish and pig-headed decision this is. I am an aspiring writer (this is what I am in school for) and I while away hours and hours during which I could be writing drinking. Alone. In my room. Watching the ******* Gilmore Girls (I don't even LIKE that show - never have). I am 23 years old. I am aware that alcoholism is a progressive condition, and judging by where things are at now on a scale of pathetic-ness, I have zero desire to find out just how far they can "progress."
I have been sober for probably no more than a three-day stretch here and there since the age of 18, so the idea of staying sober for a WEEK sends chills down my spine - but this needs to be done. For me, alcohol serves two distinct functions: first, it is the ultimate social lubricant. Most people think of me as a very outspoken, opinionated, uninhibited, and confident individual. In truth, I am extremely shy and care far more than I should about the opinions others hold of me. In social situations, this is easily remedied by drinking - I'm sure I don't need to detail the reasons why this is so. Second, it is a tremendous method of self-medication. I am intelligent, attractive, and (seemingly) socially adept - I'm the one people in my circle regard as "having her **** together" (passing out at the bar here-and-there aside). Inwardly, though, I battle intense bouts of depression and excruciating anxiety, the latter of which results in extremely ill-timed (but well-concealed) panic attacks - no doubt exacerbated by alcohol abuse. And yet it is also the drinking that smoothes the many edges in my mind, quiets the negative voices in my head and allows me to sleep at night (despite the fact that I often wake up in the middle of the night having to **** like a racehorse and struggle to fall back asleep due to the fact that I drank my weight in beer six hours prior). Put simply, alcohol is the most massive double-edged sword I have ever encountered.
I am extremely apprehensive about what tomorrow will bring, but I am determined to give this an honest shot. The inability to remain sober for more than three days at a time at the ripe old age of 23 is disconcerting to say the least, and even if this does not remain a permanent change in my life I at least need to know that it is possible. Any tips to battling through the first month (or week, for that matter) of sobriety would be greatly appreciated. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why I am posting this - but I will say that I feel a little better after writing all of this down. Congratulations to everyone on here for making a conscious decision to better your life as you see fit. Godspeed.