Welcome onlysomuch.
You found a great place to talk things over.
I felt the same as you when I was in my 30's. I'd been drinking heavily for 10 yrs. and it was taking it's toll. As you've probably heard, alcoholism is a progressive disease. I was on my way to disaster, but refused to admit it. Drank through my 40's too - you can imagine the path of destruction. I finally came to SR, completely broken and dependent on alcohol to get through the day. It wasn't even fun any more, just a habit that I was enslaved by. I found the courage to change by being here - a place I can be honest with myself and others. It feels wonderful to be free. You've done a great thing for yourself by joining us. Keep reading and posting.