That's interesting, Blue.
My H is very self-sufficient too. And when he is actively drinking, he becomes even more self-sufficient. Almost functions like his own island, if that makes any sense. So the idea that I am enabling is confusing to me. I don't cover for him at work, I don't clean up his bottles (or the place where he drinks, never have. that's *his* mess) I don't explain away his behaviour others, I simply don't talk about it at all.
However, the responsibility does shift in our home. And I guess if I "enable", it is in that sense. He becomes self-sufficient, and looks after only himself. Child-raising, for example, falls more on my shoulders. And I don't want to address it with him because there is fallout.
I believe in natural consequences and try to allow them to happen as much as possible. I have always tried to do that with my kids, and I try to allow it to happen to H *as much as it is possible*. If he is in a dangerous situation, and the natural consequence is something very drastic or life-changing, I will step in and not allow it to happen. Case in point, I will not allow him to drive when he drinks. I know that some people believe you should not stand in their way, but not only does that threaten his livelihood (as he spends a lot of time on the road) it threatens his life and the lives of people around him. I think that is negligent on my part, to allow that to happen.
I like the idea of not using it as a punishment or withdrawing your love. Very important, and one I struggle with. I've gotten to the point where when I am upset at H, I'm not sure if I even love him anymore. It's crazy, not true at all, but I am in such a state of chaos, hurt and confusion that my emotions shut down. I need to learn to control that. The part that I just read about dopamine, the brain, and cravings told me he is reacting because of a loss of chemicals in his bloodstream. His body is crying out and he is struggling. Hard to remember when he is raging and upset, but it will make it easier for me to stay out of his way and let him try to manage his body.
And I get frustrated because our communication levels are so poor at this point, that he will not tell me anything. I understand how I have contributed to that. no one wants to be nagged, badgered, yelled at, "detached" from ... and I have done those and more. Not excusing his behaviour at all. However mine has been less than exemplary.
Love how you took the garbage to work lol! Totally something I would do ...
