Good question !!
Ive spent a lot of time thinking about this one too, because the ideas of enabling and codependency extend beyond active addiction so right now I should still be worried about these things supposedly. Ive heard this idea about dont do anything for my husband that he can do for himself, or ideas like he needs to be self sufficient and Ive been babying him and taking on his responsibilities making myself codependent, or his addiction or his lack of recovery is allowing him to be a slacker and Im tolerating it.
Problem is my husband already is, and always has been self sufficient. He can do his own laundry, just like I can take out the garbage (ok this is questionable since the one day I accidentally drove to work with a stinky bag of garbage in my trunk because I forgot to put it in the bin) HOWEVER I guess the point is within a marriage there is a balance of shared responsibility and we divide it up however seems fair between us.
These things become issues all the time in marriage, just because one person will feel like their doing more.
I guess with addiction issues, the question I would ask is "has the balance of shared responsibility shifted in your home? " Is he doing his share, or has the burden unfairly fallen on you because of his drinking?
Then, what I think is if we don't acknowledge this and present it as damage being done to the relationship or the family then we are in a way hiding a consequence of his addiction. His behaviors might be causing us to become resentful, or feel undervalued or under-appreciated. If we hide this fact then I think we are enabling.
I think it lends more to a communication issue first, and then I guess it could come down to your own needs of self care. Certain things you have to do for you and the kids, but your not supermom. The only things you can logically let go of to reduce your load are things he is capable of doing for himself like his own laundry. This then is supposed to represent a consequence to him.
When I think of enabling I try thinking about the natural consequences, its not me trying to insert punishments, or withdraw my love. It has to represent the true state of being.
The counselor I had explained it better to me, but this is the way I think of it.
I would love to hear thoughts?