Hello again,
I'm not sure anyone is really interested in this; but it feels good to get this stuff off my chest so I am back to vent.
I spent the day so sad. I did the best I could to stay busy; and care for myself. I had lunch with a friend and met with my own sponsor. I'm just so so sad. Through all the anger, the ups and downs, the lies, manipulations, etc., this disease just breaks my heart.
I spoke with my XAB (I think that's right?) a bit this afternoon - via text only. He's more consistent in what he says about doing this for his own well-being than I've ever heard him be. I know it could be a ploy; he could very well be deceiving himself; but maybe he isn't. Maybe he finally is going to start to get well.
I keep feeling that I should've known better; I should've known better than to let him move back in. I did know better, in fact, when I think about it. I was hesitant. But while he was here there was so much good. That's the thing, with my addict at least; when he's really here and present and his true self; he's the most amazing man in the world. If only he would stick around....
Before he moved back in I'd begun to start thinking of him as a person with a severe mental illness/disability. It helped me to have compassion and understanding; and I guess I"m going to have to remember to think of him that way again. It is true; such a severe drug addict is a person with a severe disability. It will likely take him years to get to a place where he can have a 'normal' functional life. That is, if he ever gets there. I told him today that I'd like to stay in his life; as his friend; and that I love him and support his decision so long as he feels it's what's right for him.
Because it's true; maybe I made the mistake of thinking he really was ready; I forgot that he has this horrible, heartwrenching illness; and I treated him as if he was well. It makes me sick to think of losing him in my life altogether. Does that feeling go away?...
I'm really rambling now so I'll stop with this; this f****** disease just breaks my heart. If only he weren't an addict.....