Just to say I'm alright, nothing is bad guys so please don't worry, I'm again sorry I worried you so much last time.
I have an appointment with my doctor, I could have had a sooner one but I decided to wait until my current medication was coming to an end. As I said a long while ago I put a very clear limit on my meds, it's up now so time to discuss things. I utterly hate the idea of being dependent upon meds for pain management but as you guys have said, there is a difference between needing pain management and the other reason for taking such things.
Still it's been very hard trying to come to terms with this thinking. Intellectually I understand it, emotionally I'm still a little troubled by it. I know I need the medication, I know as my illness progress I will need more, I know others in my position are usually on higher doses than I am already but still it's so hard to reconcile if you already have a problem with another substance. Even if your problem with that substance ultimately comes back to trying to cope with the condition you are now getting medication for! It's such a stupid situation and if I had just accepted my doctors original pain management scheme then I wouldn't be where I am now.
I know I've had some other deeply unpleasant things in life but it's my condition that has tipped me into this stupid situation.
On the up side I started this thread at the new year, so I guess I'm closing in on a milestone. Although still sometimes it feels like I'm cheating. Ok so I didn't indulge my alcohol issue but I'm still taking prescription meds which are technically addictive. Does this mean my so caled success is not success? It's been bothering me a little.