oak

I get what you are saying about the depression getting worse since giving up alcohol. Yet- I cannot imagine that alcohol would truly help depression, since alcohol is a depressant. Sometimes, alcohol suppresses emotions temporarily and those emotions come more up to consciousness when someone gets sober.

The best book I ever read about helping depression was Feeling Good by David Burns. It's easy to read, even when quite depressed. Lots of helpful tools in it.

I can also really identify which what you wrote, about being hit by the depression and kind of swept away by it. I am healing from lots of childhood trauma, and I feel very shaky in sobriety and almost overwhelmed by emotional pain this week. I keep reminding myself that if I stay sober, I will feel better. (I did suggest to my therapist that maybe drinking this week would help me get through the pain, but he didn't agree. I mostly know that drinking will actually make it much worse.)

I've dealt with depression too. It is hard because one's thoughts and motivation changes when depressed. Get as much support as you can. Talk to your doctor. Therapy can help, even when the depression is not situational.

Know that you will feel better (if you stay sober). (even if you are sure that is not true right now)