My Story, I hope it helps one person:
Im an addict named Jason aka Moontime.......
How I got to where I am today.....How I took drugs, took drugs and took drugs then they took me. I speak on behalf of a 12-step fellowship today that has saved my life. When I speak I usually tell a bit about myself, like below.
I grew up on Long Island New York, in a ritzy part called the Hamptons for most of my life that I remember. My father was in the illegal pharmy buisness, he made a ton of dough and bought a summer house in the Hamptons which we finally moved in when I was in the 5th grade, all year around. From that early start I was addicted to money, my dad used to let me count money for him. There would be 10's of thousand of dollars. I liked that shite!! You will see it also became away of life for me later on down the road.
At about 5 years old, I was sexually abused by a neighbor, so from the get go I always felt different. It wasn't until I was in recovery and did a 4th step with a sponsor, that shite affected me until now. I was very easy at burying that stuff, but it happened, it built my personality to whom I became, and for today of who I am. Anyway, I never felt good about myself and always felt like I wasn't normal. I was emotionally abused by a violent raging alcoholic step-father. He would tell me things like, the reason my parents divorced were because I was a bad kid, that I made them split up. After a while I started believing it, that was tremendous guilt. So all growing up I always had a self-esteem problem, I never felt like I fit in, I was never ok with myself, and always had to take things from the outside to make me on the inside feel better, before it was drugs, today it can be anything from women, to shopping, to working out etc...... I was in 7th grade and I had my first experience with a drug, it was a liquid drug that you buy in a bottle at most convenience stores. I hit that shite and all that pain went away, I finally found something that could numb the void I had all my life. It could numb the feelings of isolation, dereliction, the low self-esteem. From that point on it was on!!! I started smoking herb, doing a little coke here and there. Heavy on LSD, mushrooms etc....
This was through high school, I started seeing the Dead around NY during the weekends when they played the tri-state area. I got hooked man, the older guys in high school would take me and we'd trip balls etc.... I had two friends who dropped out of high school to follow the dead. I would visit them during the summers, totally lying to my family, ending up on tours etc..... Fast foward to 1991, I started seeing every show, doing every tour, I was surviving because those two older guys had both became really deep in the Dead Lsd scene. We would lay sheets out from crystal, make money at the hotels with other people we knew, never selling to anyone we didn't know. Thinking we were being slick. Well, in that group from 1991-1995, there were 10 tight kids, by the latter stages of the Dead, the spirit of the dead had been weakend by our drug use. We were there to survive, now. Full blown drug addicts now. 8 of those guys have died because of alcohol, heroin, methadone. My other buddy just smokes weed today, I'm totally clean. Went to Radford sold a ton of boomers in Virginia, North Carolina, made over 100,000 grand then moved out to Eugene, Oregon. Continued this until I started dabbling in Chiva, Freebase Cocaine. Spent every penny of that 100,000 on shite. Had a girlfirend with me for 9 of those years and got her strung out as well.
Fast Foward to 1999 moved to C'ville, Va. Trying a geographical cure, still hooked on Freebase cocaine. Now, I was also able to get China White Heroin on the East Coast, got a little hooked on that, but I liked to be wired instead of numbed. When I couldn't find Coke to cook, it was back to crack. I started trading 1/4 beasters for OZ's of crack and smoking it all. Not selling it, long story short, I had a massive addiction at this time. I was so spiritually bankcrupt, I had loss all ties with my family, my girlfriend of 9 years left me because the smoking was out of hand. If I could just snort it, we'd probably be together, but snorting was like an appetizer, I wanted the real thing. I would cook even a gram of coke if I got it, which ain't much if your smoking.
Til that one day that I woke up in bed, wanting to end my life. I had that desperation of trying something different, maybe suicide. So my friends here the 'ville, said enough Jay, "we're getting you help, RIGHT THE FEK NOW", I went into this rehab program.
Anyhow, so I do this rehab thing and it plants a seed that drug addicts like me can stay clean. One of the things we need to do is, hit the 12 step fellowship meetings. So I do that and my life changed.
I got a relationship with a sponsor, I got involved the 12 steps. But, it all didn't happen so gracefully. I got into a relationship that took me out and I relapsed. I came back saw Panic and relapsed. I kept relapsing, until I finally surrendered to this way of life. I have removed all reservations that I can not use successfully. When I drink, abracadabra freebase cocaine, that's my story.
Today, I'm a 12-step member, I have sponsees that I work the steps with. There are 3 concepts of working the steps, we write, we share, we live them. I don't have a symptoms disease. I have the disease of addiction. I've had this disease ever since I was a kid at 5 years old, where I never felt comfortable with myself, until I had something from the outside to make me feel better about mysef. Drugs were just the most obvious symptom for the disease of addiction. I'm co-chair of H and I (Hospitals and Institutions), we take meetings into the jails and treatment centers. I saw my running partner looking at 28 years in the jail we carry a meeting at, I got out in march, he got busted in april. I'm a proud of member of a 12-step fellowship, that has resurrected me from the dead. I have the best relationship with my father, the guy who I disappointed the most. I've only seen him cry twice, and once was when his parents died and once was when I came clean with him. After my last relapse he said, don't call me if your in jail, don't call me if your on your death bed, I have no son from this point on. I started working a program and he wants what I have, spiritually now. He says thank god for that fellowship, your in, if it wasn't for that fellowship, I would have no good memories of you. It's crazy cops will talk to me now and I can talk to them. They ask me if I can talk to young bucks in the grips of addicition. I would never ever have talked to cops before. I've got mad-love today in my area and community. I'm clean today. Through out my recovery, I've worked on myself. I can be ok, just being alone. I always had to be around someone because I never felt good in my skin. I've been able to stay clean though end of relationships, through losing loved ones, through losing friends to the disease of addiction. I've seen many people get thrown in jail because of their choices. Today, I have a choice today, it wasn't so easy a few years ago. I was a slave to my addiction. I am spiritually free today. I wake up do the same recovery routine as I do everyday. I am building back the person I was before I started using drugs. I know what it's like to actuallly be in love and to feel love today. I know the feeling of unconditional love of not trying to maniuplate situations to get what I want. You know what that's like, for instance when you clean someones car out, and dont' tell them you did it. That's hard stuff, I want the glory and recognition, but it's better even if I just know. I've learned that water seeks it's own level, and when I did some work on myself, I attracted people who were where I was spiritually. The other people started falling off my radar screen. They saw where I was going and got scared and didn't want to be on my journey. I have a life 100Times than I ever expected.
I'm an addict, named Jason B