The family drama has been kind of instructive. My mom and dad have always put my BILs on a pedestal, even kind of putting down their own daughters, like why would these great men stoop to our levels? Be grateful, girls! Any guy I brought home -- well, is he as good as BIL1 and BIL2?
Also their eagerness to attribute his cheating and lying behavior to something that is a) fixable and b) excusable. He's having a mental breakdown, they say, and he just needs to be medicated. Then Sister can take him back and we don't have to change.
The endless conversation and frantic texting about the latest news.
Also my mom's sudden physical ailments and taking to bed with painkillers that coincide with the onset of this information.
Really one of the most instructive things about this whole process with my XAH and splitting with him was learning that a lot of my perceived weaknesses were just part of a dysfunctional family structure, and that I had to option of opting out of their dynamics if I wanted. And how to opt in if I want to participate on my own terms.
I'm still drawing boundaries with them, but it's much easier today to see the dynamics for what they are and maintaining a distance instead of buying into them wholesale.
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As for XAH, who knows. I wonder if I'm "happiest" (it's not the right word) or most settled with him struggling and laying low. It's not that I want him to fail or have a bad life, but that him taking steps to be a part of DD3's life is so nightmarish, knowing he's never really been sober despite purporting to be sober and in recovery for several years now. If he were sober and demonstrably in recovery, I feel like it would be obvious and I could make more solid decisions around his words and actions. Today it's same-old, same-old, I guess. Still lying and exaggerating! So weird.
His employment status doesn't directly affect me unless he becomes totally unavailable for visitation, and unless I want to pursue additional child support. I don't know that that's the route I would take, but it's an option and I want to know my options especially if he's required by law to share that information.
Anyway, thanks to all for the support.