WTBH-
But you did not take him home because that would have been for you. You made the best decision for him in that moment (and many other times too).
You did not take him home and be in denial. That is a huge thing, and to me it sounds like growth.
I am so grateful for my tears. In the worst of my behaviors when I was so numb from everything I was not really capable of being attached to another being.....because I was so afraid to feel. I am so grateful that I am no longer that way.