melki

I just wanted to share a memory that popped into my mind very vividly today. This June. I am years into attempted moderation and progressively worse misery. After a few terrible experiences I never drink more than a couple in bars or at events, but always have more to finish the job at home. I get by with my responsibilities, but barely. Some mornings I shake and can't wait to get to the liquor store. I hide empties in my closet and sneak booze in my purse. I binge on weekends and some weekdays. The guilt and shame and self-loathing are unbearable, and I keep chugging the bottle to shush them for just a bit, only to wake up a few hours later to worse misery. I am looking at every face on TV and in real life with jealousy - they don't have the alcoholic puffiness, their eyes are clear, they are not suffering from this misery. How can people just LIVE and not be haunted. How can they be interested in anything. It is unfathomable to me at this point. It seems hopeless.

I just want to share with you that it isn't. From me to you - there is hope. You can be that person with clear eyes and interest for life. Stop drinking for good and start reclaiming your life back. I am three month into recovery, finding joys and dealing with disappointments. If I could do it and rise from that pit of misery, you can do it too. Stop now.

P.S. F U, alcoholism! Whatever happens to me now, I will not let you get me to that point ever again. I may have miserable days, I may suffer losses, but you will not control me again. I know your voice now, and you can shove it.