HealingWillCome

This strikes a chord with me. But it goes way back...I remember being like this when I was as young as 5. My head would spin with as much rational thought as I was capable of at that age, always trying to sort things out. Never being able to understand why people would hurt other people. If I could just come up with a way (analyze and problem solve) to make people see how they were hurting others, everything would be okay.

So how is a little one supposed to understand alcoholism, addiction, mental illness, abuse, etc.? Little ones can't. Developmentally, the brain isn't even capable. Natural coping mechanisms kick in. For me, it was my smart little brain that took over and tried to help my overly sensitive emotions. Where I had no control over my alcoholic father, I became very good at "controlling" my pain in my other relationships by analyzing and talking people into seeing my point of view. You know...if you can see what you are doing wrong to make me hurt, and I can get you to stop, then everything will be okay.

It took a failed marriage to an alcoholic and a roller coaster 5-year relationship with another one to make me start looking at myself. It took decades for me to learn that alcoholics are going to drink, addicts are going to use, and people are going to hurt others...and I have no control over any of it. No matter how many rational solutions I have in my brain for others' problems, the only person I can heal is myself. Depending on others' happiness to find my own is completely backwards.

I still struggle with this when I feel I've been slighted by someone...I will still try to talk someone into seeing things my way. How often does it work? Pretty much never, because it comes off as bossy and controlling rather than loving and caring which is who I really want to be. I'm still learning to undo all the coping behaviors I developed as the young child of an alcoholic.